We failed....

I sit here writing this with a void in my heart. For the 1st time in a very long time Aaron and I felt complete when we met our match. We always knew we were supposed to be a family of 4 and now that dream has been lost. We had everything bought and ready to bring our baby boy home.

Sunday 4/30 we drove to Foley Alabama to be there at the mothers request for the birth of her son who was born May 1 right before 3pm. Everything was going great and we held him, fed him and even told him how much we loved him. We all took pics and she looked me in the eye and said "I can't believe how at peace I feel with my decision.". We were scheduled for the TPR to be signed Tuesday May 2. An hour before that I get a message from the social workers saying the mother moved TRP and asked if she could make her decision tomorrow. My heart dropped because I didn't know what decision she was talking about. According to her it was already made. But something changed during the few hours and made her want to keep him. We sat there till Wednesday in the hospital room next to her not being allowed to see him or her and until 11:30AM. She said she needed that time with him and we respected her even though it meant us sitting with fear and sadness. That is when the social worker called to tell me she text him and said she is keeping him. I felt a kick in the face thinking how could she not tell us first. We never got to say good bye to him either. She came in to say goodbye after I told her I was upset she didn't tell us and said she knows he would have a better life with us but she wanted to try to and make it work because for the 1st time in many years she felt happy. We respect her decision and want what is best for him. We got in the car and drove 8 hours home to see our daughter late that night. Now 24 hours later I sit here and think about everything and is all I can do is pray she gets the support she needs and that happiness that she said she felt when he was born that she didn't have with her daughter never goes away. We want her to provide both her children with all the love and support they deserve. I am not mad at her or bitter in anyway. This was her son and her decision to make.

Everyone asks where do you go now? You will find your son. Well we hope we can and keep praying that God will let us find the funds for everything that we lost so we can move forward again. Self matching is the least expensive way so I will keep letting facebook advertise for us and maybe we will find a mom looking to place her child. We are keeping our heads up high and continue the faith in our journey.